An executive coach working with senior members of a large automotive company learned the power of keeping confidences. He was assigned to work with a small group of very experienced, technically skilled leaders. Their technical expertise, however, was far more advanced than their skill in managing people. Their business was having tremendous success, capturing opportunities their competitors were not technically able to address. But the growth was straining their workforce, and some of the strain came because of the poorly developed interpersonal skills and lack of emotional intelligence among their leadership team.
One of the leaders was gruff, standoffish, and openly rude, came very unwillingly to the coaching experience. Three weeks into the process, something was said in one of the group coaching debrief sessions that offended him. He responded very aggressively, pointing his remarks at the coach. The coach maintained integrity to his principles and did not respond in kind.
In that moment, everything changed.
Afterward, that same rude leader asked to meet with the coach personally. He said he’d been very impressed with how the coach handled the stressful situation with a high degree of emotional self-regulation, and he now felt comfortable beginning to build a relationship. He told the story of his career and life, his successes and failures. Despite his gruff exterior, he actually was seeking help to find a better path forward. Recognizing the extremely personal nature of the disclosures, the coach made it clear that the conversation would be kept completely confidential. “I know,” said the leader. “I’ve been watching how you work with others. I’ve been listening to the stories you share and how you share them, and I’m confident you’ll be as careful with me and my story as you have been with theirs.”
Drawing close to another person requires profound trust. It should never be taken lightly and should always be handled wisely and professionally. When people allow themselves to be vulnerable, the coach must be committed to keeping personal information strictly confidential. It is the most important aspect of the coaching role. Indeed, the lifeblood of truly great coaching is absolute confidentiality.
Trust is hard to earn but easy to lose. It can take weeks and months of gentle and careful nurturing to gain trust—whereas one broken promise, one display of indifference, or manipulation with bad intent, or one failed confidence can ruin everything. That’s why trust is the first principle of coaching. All effective coaching starts with the understanding of the great obligation to be trustworthy.
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